A personal journey of releasing anger and feeling of abandonment

A couple of months ago as I turned 50, I felt compelled to look at an aspect of me that needed releasing and shadow work. Turning 50 was significant for me. I reflected a lot on what I wanted to be, become, and bring forth. I knew it also meant turning the page to some aspects of myself that I felt had taken a toll on me through the years. I had such an ineffective and disempowering paradigm of myself and of the world around me. On top of this, situations kept coming my way that made me feel even more powerless.

To describe me in the past tense, I have to say I often felt like a wounded lion, full of inexplicable rage or sometimes feeling and behaving like a spoiled child wanting attention. This would often make me feel drained at the end of the day. I would also be triggered by small things, and I would blow it out of proportion, or as an opposite behaviour, I would take in a lot and be like a small mouse hiding my wounds. None of it was helping me. Even when I would reflect and become more decisive in working on that aspect of my life, I often felt as though I was a wounded mother carrying a wounded child on my back.

As I started my journey with Goddess Cerridwen a year ago, I started sensing Her as a comforting mother. Her loving voice was always softly prompting me, pushing me without great insistence. She was patient with me, and Her love was constant and strong. I could deeply feel Her love throughout that season. As I dived deeper into the Priestess course, and Bee Helygen’s offerings on nonviolent communication, on crystal healing, on shadow work, the promptings became more incessant to start the hard journey to confront my behaviours and grow up. Ahahaha.

Through the months, as we went around the Goddess Wheel, I sensed a shift, it was a different, more intense, fierce, and fiery energy, Her voice became firmer with me. the cauldron was calling me to address those things that no longer served me.  There is an adage that says, “Where much is given, much is required of us”. A sense of responsibility for change grows in us as we are privileged to access any sort of imparting knowledge.

A great prayer to Goddess I found online that I love and hold dearly says:

“Lady Cerridwen Dark Goddess I call to thee,

Help me change

Into whom I am meant to be

Oh, Dark mother, Blessed Be.”

 

I would like to humbly share two rituals that I have used to start healing my inner child trauma that have helped me tremendously:

The power of dancing:

I had the privilege of watching a couple of priestesses’ videos showing the importance of movements and dance to heal and unlock creativity. I tried it a couple of times and realised how dancing freely while looking at a mirror has brought me joy. Jumping off the bed in the morning, humming a song, or chanting, twirling around, giggling at myself, and visualising this little happy and free girl I am twirling with under the sun has made a significant change in my life. She is part of me, and I am part of her. You will be ok; I would often tell her during those great connecting moments. I truly cherish those moments with her/I. Abraham Lincoln once said, “a house divided against itself shall not stand”. By reconciling with this part of me, picking the broken pieces of my childhood and asking Goddess to make beauty out of ashes has been truly a blessing.

 

The transmutation of trauma through a doll

Last year, Bee shared a doll ritual for healing. I created one out of paper and wrote my full name on the doll. She became my “unique self-therapist”.

“You are a doll, you are not a doll, You are ….I would state my full name”

You are …. I would again state my full name”.

You are I and I am you”.

 I often chanted these words 3 times to consecrate my doll before I started speaking to her.

 I spoke to the doll for hours at a time, told her things I have never told anyone else. I even slept with her under my pillow. She became my most loyal and unconditional friend, always willing to listen to me and have compassion for me. I did it for one month, every day, connecting with her/I and it felt immensely good to my soul.

One night, I was prompted that the time had come to let go of all that was spoken and to release it to the transformative hand of Goddess. The time to release all those words, all those cries, all those feelings of shame and inadequacies to the work of the cauldron.

I lit a fire that night and created a sacred space. In that moment, it is a great time to call in Goddess, the four elements and your lovely guides. It is also a great time for gratitude; thanking the teachers both spiritual and physical that have appeared to you for greater work in you, thanking your ancestors of highest truth and love for loving and guiding you and thanking Goddess and any allies that have brought you in this space of trust, self-love, and above all healing.

As I intensely looked at the fire, I spoke to it too, thanking it for taking my pain and transforming it to joy and happiness. I continued to thank Fire for helping me release this held up energy that was never finding an outlet before. I wanted it to finally be released into a passionate, fiery yet healthy expression of me. I was in a trance, crying with joy, and communing with the universe. After thanking the doll too for being such a blessing to me, I humbly threw it on the fire and spoke release and healing into my body, mind, and soul. I also spoke blessings upon my life. May the healing gained be permanent. So Mote It Be.

ASE

Blessings BE

Efa Adjavon

Priestess in Training